Drillbit Taylor
Owen Wilson, Hollywood-cute Kids
Directed by Some Guy
Paramount 2008
6,540 seconds

The red stuff under Owen Wilson’s shoe on the DVD pic covers up the dog crap this movie stepped in. Drillbit Taylor is a formulaic pile of feces. At best, this wannabe comedy will maybe elicit one or two smiles and those only come because you stopped the DVD before the movie ended

Owen Wilson phones it in long distance and collect as Drillbit Taylor, a bum who hires himself out as a bodyguard to a bunch of high school dorks. He does it only to rip off the kids and steal stuff from their homes but unavoidably has a heart of gold and comes through with his part of the deal.

This involves becoming a substitute teacher. As Drillbit Taylor tells his many dumpster scavenging friends, “As long as you got a coffee cup in your hand nobody says anything.” Of course, this calls for a few jokes where the bums become substitutes too.

As if this fingerpaint-by-numbers atrocity wasn’t godawful enough, Taylor develops a love interest and also falls in love with the little miscreants he was hired to protect.

Of course the kids eventually figure out Drillbit is a fraud. This makes for the most badly written and acted scene in this turdfest.

This so-called comedy fails because there is not a single moment that has anything to do with any semblance of reality. Scene after scene screams “This is just a pathetic movie” from the school bully’s visits to the principal’s office, these kids’ parents, to the main characters: a fat guy, a skinny guy, and a short guy.

I did not know you could milk shit but it seems there is an extended version of this thing


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